The Village of Crawfordsville invites you to the unveiling of Mayor Michael Palmer’s stunning new body!

Who: the Village of Crawfordsville, IN

What: Invites you to “the Unveiling” of Mayor Michael Palmer’s stunning new body

When: Saturday June 4th, 2011, 3:00pm – Midnight

Where: Le Fountaine Banquets, 2321 W. Lake Rd in Crawfordsville, 1 block north of City Hall

The Village of Crawfordsville cordially invites you to the unveiling of Mayor Michael Palmer’s new body. Body-themed cocktails and mock-tails will be served beginning at 3:00pm sharp standard time, followed by a magical performance by Trevor Palmer, the mayor’s honorable brother and solo-synth-orchestrist, using many new and exciting instruments of his own discovery. Additional, higher-gravity cocktails will then be served beginning at 6:00pm in preparation for the unveiling of Mayor Palmer’s new body, altered by surgery as if by God Himself, at 8:00pm. Only then, senses suitably heightened/dulled by said ultra-high gravity cocktails, will the magnificent new body and face be unveiled to rousing synth-orchestric fanfare. Paramedics and trained emergency bartenders equipped with even higher ultra-high gravity cocktails will then be dispersed amongst the crowd to maintain cool heads and reassure those stunned by “the Unveiling” that it is in fact the Mayor that has had his new body and face unveiled and not a variety of heavenly angel or elegantly disfigured beast.

Formal attire is expected (khakis preferred). If you choose to bring fishing poles or very long sticks to the Unveiling please refrain from swinging them above your head- the mayor is now QUITE tall and will be easily stumbled in his weakened post-surgery state.

The Mayor, his brother Trevor and his ladyfriend Clarissa Groom all look forward to seeing you there! Note: If you or someone you know is easily spooked, please contact the Crawfordsville Department of Public Works (441-281-6616). It has been instructed to provide partially censored artist’s renderings of the Mayor’s new appearance to desensitize potential guests and any other people or animals they may choose to bring with them to the Unveiling.

Thank you for your interest in The Birthday Channel!

To:

Mr. Graves Dogton

3231 Bog Rd, Apt 1

New York, MA 10161

From:

The Birthday Channel

1664 Industry Drive

Town of Commerce, Nevada 89112

January 14th, 2011

Mr. Dogton,

First of all, thank you greatly for your interest in The Birthday Channel and its wide array of related products and services!

If you’ve received this prospective client box it means that you’ve either faxed in a letter of interest or started to place an order on www.TheBirthdayChannel.com and then for some reason didn’t complete the purchase after entering your information. Whatever the reason, no worries! The only thing you should be concerned with is how WOW!ed you are by The Birthday Channel and its sister networks, The Anniversary Channel and The Birthday Radio Network.

The Birthday Channel is America’s #1 best option for birthday wishes of any stripe. While standard local morning news programs and radio stations do carve out a few minutes a day for their viewers to wish happy birthdays on one another, The Birthday Channel is the only place to get the non-stop, up to the minute stream of birthday wishes that the 21st century community requires.

You may wonder, why would people watch a network that only shows a scrolling list of birthdays? That’s a good question.

At the Birthday network, while you can only display the birthday person’s name and no customized messages are allowed, the list of recipients is presented in a crisp and respectable looking 12 pt font set against an honorable solid blue background. What’s more, on days when the number of paying birthday wishers is low, the same few names will just cycle around, over and over. That’s like an added bonus!

Some frequently asked questions:

Q. What is a “birthday?”

A. The one day a year when you can BE YOURSELF! Many times other people want to wish you good wishes on your birthday as a result.

Q. Does The Birthday Channel work on the iPhone?

A. You can use your iPhone while you watch The Birthday Channel on TV, yes.

Q. Why don’t you show celebrity birthdays anymore?

A. Lawsuits have prevented us from continuing this practice but we thought it was taking important screen time away from other birthdays, anyway.

Q. Will anything offensive be shown on The Birthday Channel?

A. We have new procedures in place to make sure it rarely happens again.

Q. Does this cost money?

A. Yes.

As you can see, we have a genuinely WOW! Product. And so, as a prospective client, we sent you this welcome package! Inside this box you can find:

  • A picture of Miley Cyrus, birthday girl of the year 2011!
  • A handful of pens from our office
  • A piece of paper to copy our price chart down on – call 1-800-The-B-Cha for a detailed description of the chart.
  • Two different kinds of The Birthday Channel decorative mugs, one for righties and one for those of the left handed persuasion. Just a note- these mugs are, again, purely decorative. The cumulative side effect of the paints and chemical hardeners used in construction has made it unsafe to keep them within 10 feet of human living quarters.
  • A third, smaller mug. This one has not been tested for safety.

So what’ll it be, an afternoon of fun and laughs, drinking birthday nog while you watch the birthday name merrily scroll around your big screen HD TV with your loved ones? Or an evening of your loved one lying awake in bed, thinking, “Sure, I got GIFTS for my birthday… but I can’t help but feel like they forgot about me.”

The choice is yours.

Sincerely,

Prospective Client Box Department

The Birthday Channel

www.SportChampions.net

Sport: the Challenge of Man.

Why does man challenge? He challenges for fitness. He challenges for his woman. Most importantly, though, he challenges for himself.

And where does man challenge? The field of competition, of course. For reasons both known and unknown, man has always chosen to prefer efforting on the battlegrounds of sport- the hockey ice, the Fenway, the basketball surface.

And there we find a conclusion: Where he challenges: Sport.

Every sport has a champion. Every champion has a sport. But who is your sport’s champion? What is your champion’s sport?

The answers to these questions and also candid nude photographs of NFL quarterbacks can be found in the very heart of the “Sporting Spirit,” www.SportChampions.com. SportChampions has it all- a database of various sports matched up with their associated champions and also candid nude photographs of NFL quarterbacks, including the Billy Joes Tolliver and Hobert.

And then the second conclusion: For VICTORY man challenges himself, his woman and his childhood bullies, and he does it in SPORT as a CHAMPION.

www.SportChampions.com! Win for strength and challenges!

For Your Consideration: All the Evidence Collected “Confirming” the Existence of One Michél Ropanzo

12/13/2010

Dear Aerthur,

I hope you don’t mind my stowing this note away in your jacket pocket. I assure you; it has been chemically washed and checked for spy-bugs before being deposited in this manner.

You may feel that you’ve been toiling away here at BogDrainerz un-noticed, un-appreciated, un-celebrated and un-carefully considered for greater responsibilities, but you would be wrong. You have done much in your short time amongst the other Mud Removal Analysts in your department to distinguish yourself from the intellectual dregs. The organization I represent has had its eye on you for quite some time now, and the moment has come to break our silence and welcome you into our fraternity.

What kind of group is this? Certainly it involves publishing some sort of once-in-a-lifetime periodical that will save the world from itself? Are members asked to steal and rape in the name of the club? There are many questions you must want to ask and even more time to ask them next week at our Mutual Criticism Ice Cream Social on Friday.

I trust you will be there- meet at the Coldstone downstairs at PRECISELY 3:33 AM and 33 seconds- not a second earlier or later. The significance should be obvious to an established brainuser such as yourself.

See you there!

Editor-in-Chief Michél Ropanzo, Genius Level 9

12/20/10

Dearest Aerthur,

Perhaps it is best you chose not to join us at our event last week- due to a gross and foul miscommunication the Coldstone was left entirely locked and dark at the selected time. Our group was stranded alone and cold; our only companions being the early morning elements and a small group of sharp-toothed crimelovers that left most of us nude and misty eyed in the alley.

It is perhaps also best because it occurs to me now that in declining to explain the nature of our organization to you in my first note I was asking you to make a decision without first knowing all of the facts. I should have known that an intellect such as yours would never act so brashly. This is what separates you from the other engineers at BogDrainerz, wasting their considerable talents designing clever wetland removal pumps disguised as anthropomorphic frogs.

I represent THE PERIODICAL, a super-elite editorial board determined to publish an identically named prescription for humanity. This tome, standing at however many thousands of pages of authentic Egyptian papyrus prove necessary, will right the world’s wrongs, weed out the toxic roots of anti-intellectualism and categorize all of the group’s members comprehensively by mind power.

So how about it, young Aerthur? How would you like to change the world through sheer force of will? Alter the careening course of history and prevent the formation of a television saturated, religio-fascist sportsocracy? Compare your considerable genius to Phillip Kleinglass in Customer Service?

Meet me at the historic bridge into Peetbutter State Park tonight at precisely 9:99 and 99 seconds, or whatever real time that works out to. I pray fervently that you will make it- you may be our last hope!

Editor-in-Chief Michél Ropanzo, Genius Level 9

12/21/10

Foul, stinking Aerthur,

I am saddened by your failure to arrive at the bridge last night. If you had appeared, perhaps you could have dissuaded the scary dogs from chasing me so far into the woods. As it is now, it is with a heavy heart that I scrawl these words on my bare stomach for some future woods-explorer and body-finder to decipher: Your invitation to join THE PERIODICAL is hereby rescinded.

I have gone so far as to retroactively downgrade my Genius Rating by a full level for trusting a virus such as yourself. I’ve never even spoken to you or introduced myself in person and as such it is astoundingly bad form for you to dismiss me out of hand. Now I find myself nude once more and lost deep in the dense forest, thanks entirely to your presumably cynical behavior.

THE PERIODICAL will continue to sit unpublished for God-knows-how-long. Perhaps one day another great leader of geniuses will serialize its contents and at least GET THE IMPORTANT FACTS OUT THERE, but its dynamism and majesty will be absent.

We could have changed the world together, Aerthur! Babies would have sworn their allegiance to us- to you!- for generations. Now your greatest accomplishment will be ignoring the wise Assistant Marketing Director who wanted to change your life for the better. For shame.

It is beginning to snow more heavily now and I feel as if the woods around me are glowing with the buzzing incandescence of fiendish lupine eyes. There is a marshy pond nearby that I could shelter in, but it is too frozen to be safely drained by a solitary naked man. Before I climb higher into the tree in search of salvation, however, I want you to know why you broke so many hearts amongst the great thinkers at BogDrainerz this week:

You were the Chosen One.

Yours in nude sadness,

Editor-in-Chief Michél Ropanzo, Genius Level 8

Grampaw Jamie’s Buy-A-Car for the week of 2/7/11

1996 Kogani Shogun

121,109 miles

$7,950.00

“Japanese” means quality to some people, and to those people the Kogani Shogun is proverbial proof they find when sifting through the pudding with their fingers. When Kogani makes a luxury car they do it right, drawing from time-honored traditions of craftsmanship that you just don’t find anymore. The shogun’s carriage-built wooden frame is untouched by the soulless mechanical hands of assembly robots and dipped in molten steel to make sure that the car has that metal construction that drivers crave. At the same time, this car is remarkably high-tech- a complicated system of troll-doll sized robots reverse engineered from Furbies and communicating back and forth by fax machine are responsible for moving the vintage crank shaft when the ignition turns. Once its 36 cylinder World War I biplane engine gets going the thunderous roar will make you say “Thank you, Furby-based crankshaft bots!” Uniquely Japanese, uniquely old-world construction, uniquely erotic manga painted on the hood. A successful person’s car, by any standard.

Forward-facing tailpipes, trap door, 31 speaker mini-disc sound system, vibrating “Groin Pleasure” seats, poison coated antenna, cow catcher, squeeze bulb style AwoogaTronic ® horn, spare transmission in the trunk

2000-ish Car

1 miles

$1

Are you looking for a car? Here’s a car. No questions asked, just buy it and leave.

Doors appear to function. All blood-like liquids have been removed. Lights, seats, radio, all the bells and whistles. Note: You must take legal responsibility for the car and any acts the car may have been involved in.

2005 One-of-a-Kind Thompson Turboburner

Mileage unlisted

$30,000

Vic Thompson is a dreamer, so sue him. Sue him for thinking that a man can make a sports car with his own bare hands and some tools. Sue him for converting a huge, slow truck with a monstrous V8 into a tiny, über-quick car. Sue him for using clever bolt-on parts to upgrade that V8 to a V9. Sue him for completing his conversion mostly by denting the truck and its frame from every angle to achieve the desired smaller size using a sledge hammer. Sue him for DARING to challenge a society that says that the “Average Joe” doesn’t DESERVE to turn his ’98 Truckland Moab into the superfast roadster of his dreams. Go ahead and sue him, because a bunch of people already have on account of how the car drives and how it leaves “hazardous” parts all over the road.

Basically none of the “features” work anymore anyway, so why list them here. All you need to know is SPORTY SPORTY SPORTY

Grampaw Jamie’s Buy-A-Car

1997 JCC Road Driver FD

90,111 miles

$6,000.00

1997 was considered the pinnacle of quality for the John’s Car Company Road Driver, and it’s no wonder why! This “Fast Drive” FD has four motors! Lined up from front to back in order from largest displacement to smallest, these engines will send this stone-paneled sedan off like a rocket, and the handsome faux limestone exterior doesn’t disappoint, either. The Road Driver’s legendary “Designed to Drive on the Road” ethos really shined in ’97. This one won’t be on our lot for long!

(Specific engine details cannot be provided, as JCC multi-engine platforms typically took their powerplants from a grab bag of discarded engines from other automakers and it’s impossible to expose the engines to check without destroying the car)

Multi engine format, black tires, door handles, extra-manual transmission, analog brakes, in-dash stereopticon, emergency shotgun compartment

2002 JonesAuto Spider-Man XLS

90,022 miles

$9,999.99

Look stylish in this super-clean 2002 Spider-Man. People scoffed when JonesAuto announced their new line of Spider-man cars to tie into the smash hit movie of the same name in 2002, but history has shown that the idea was a winner. While the Green Goblin car can no long be found on the road thanks to unpredictable fires that resulted in unwanted melting-all-the-way-down-to-a-puddle-of-ruined-metal-and-skeletons, the sporty Spider-Man is a cult favorite. It’s beloved by people who want a second generation JonesAuto Deluxo but prefer it to be covered from end-to-end in a car-shaped spandex Spider-Man costume. Engine runs nice and loud, gasoline spray from the exhaust is minimal. And it doesn’t even cost you $10k!

Full power engine, Quad-Tire technology, Variety pack of seating materials, ABS Power brake (rear right), power windows, cool spider web decal over dash radio display

1992 Bubcar Superbub

157,102 miles

Availble for trade or to be stolen

Everyone wants a car that says “Fun,” and no car said “fun” louder in 1992 than the Bubcar Superbub. The first car to feature a powered amplifier that shouts “Fun!” when it accelerates or brakes, the Superbub is now a rare find in this condition. This jet black example of everyone’s favorite cat-shaped 9 seater also includes an after-market accelerometer that lets it also shout “Fun!” when the vehicle turns or rolls over. Legendary Bubcar quality means the integrated in-cabin bubble maker will keep working well after 200K miles.

Front Left Wheel Drive, Round tires, Iron/Rust alloy Wheels, Power Bubble Projector, Stopping Brakes, 24” Diagonal Rearview Mirror, Automatic Passenger Seat Scale, Air-Cooled Wipers, Corduroy Seats, Fireplace

T-Bone Stinkerz ®

Announcer: Tired of having to defend your steak from hungry coworkers?

Man: I know I work with you, but I’m still going to bite you until you give me some steak.

Announcer: Weary of having family members steal bits of your chop when you skip out to defend the house from terrorists?

Son (gunfire raging outside, arabic-style screaming): I’m going to cut off a nubbin of this steak before dad gets back!

Announcer: Well, then you need new T-Bone Stinkerz ®!

(A anthropomorphic t-bone steak smiles. Green, wavy stink lines radiate in all directions as it flexes its biceps and raises its hand to give the peace sign)

Announcer: T-Bone Stinkerz ® are the new, best defense against food thieves. Simply push the specially designed pellet deep into your cut of beef. The Stinkerz will take care of the rest! A powerful stench, rancid and stomach churning, will be enough to keep even the hungriest off-duty police officer away from your meal.

Man (ostensibly an off-duty cop): *vomiting*

Announcer: And because they’re made with real excrement, you know it works!

WARNING: WILL NOT WORK ON DOGS OR CATS

Announcer: What’s more, T-Bone Stinkerz ® work great with other meats, too! Try it with Fish…

(shot of man vomiting)

Announcer: Chicken…

(shot of man vomiting)

Announcer: Pork…

(shot of man vomiting)

Announcer: or rabbit!

(shot of man laying face down, motionless and seemingly lifeless, in a pool of vomit)

Announcer: Now you’re free to ENJOY your hasenpfeffer, safe from eager hands!

Joey Lawrence: Isn’t it time you were able to sleep soundly, knowing your steak in the next room wasn’t being licked by your new neighbors? Try T-Bone Stinkerz ®!

WARNING: WILL ACTUALLY MAKE ITEMS MORE DESIRABLE TO DOGS OR CATS

————————

Jamie Ferguson is an American folk hero, notable for having raced against a steam powered hammer and won, only to die in victory with his hammer in his hand. He has been the subject of numerous songs, stories, plays, and novels. He has a 20 pound hammer that he thinks is light. He is 6 feet tall, and weighs about 200 pounds. Read more randomness of his on his Twitter account, THE_REAL_JAMIE.

American Royalty

First, a primer: I am a successful man with a good job, married with two heirs and a third on the way, but I did not have the good fortune of being born into a ruling family. I have come to grips with this reality and it’s something most Americans have to deal with every day. For me, I get through by looking the part, living a kingly lifestyle and remembering that for all I know, I may be a long-lost king-man.

Recently it was my birthday month, one that would have been celebrated with jubilant feasts and animal contests had I possessed a legitimate throne. Although it should have been a joyous period mine was sullied by the virulent anti-king bias that has poisoned this nation since its inception. Some examples:

1. While attending an open house on a castle-like estate in Brookfield I was roundly and repeatedly mistreated. Naturally this excursion required departing my Kingdomary apartment in Lombard and since I was leaving the grounds I left most of my crowns at home and decided to carry the rest in an inauspicious purple felt laundry bag. I could tell upon arriving at the decidedly drab manor in question, however, that I was not amongst company of my peers. Frankly, I would not be surprised to learn that some of them were in fact drug addicts, kidnappers and other modern-day throne usurpers.

One in particular, a fatsome young lout named Jerry, decided to deride me loudly in front of the other prospective buyers. This caught on quickly and my robes were roundly mocked by the dregs around me, idiocians and stupidites though they were. This was an insult of gross disgustery, as I had left the majority of my crownlings and fur-cuffs at home in the interest of appearing LESS ELITE and MORE LIKE THE ORDINARY CITIZENRY.

Thinking quickly, I stole the handsome scepter from the open house sign and ran back to my van. If I hadn’t fallen so many times on the wet street it would have been a smooth and face-saving escape, and my wife Bernarda was brilliant in opening the rear doors so I could make quick ingress.

2. The first week of the young month I visited our neighborhood Subway to dine on meat and bread fare. I was immediately transfixed by the boyserver. His page-like visage was delightfully feudal and I decided that I must have him as my own. Distracted by his eye-phone he was slow to address my presence. By the time he realized I was there I was already swinging the scepter previously stolen from the open house in the most kingly manner I could muster. Savaging his face repeatedly, I felt assured that the established social precedence for King’s domain would protect me in the eyes of the law.

This was a foolish presumption, however, and let it only be said that the behaviour of the Dupage County constables shows them to either be completely unfamiliar with the King’s code or wholly uninterested in living up to its lofty tenets.

For those who have forgotten, the King’s Code:

KINGS ARE ALWAYS:

ROYAL

LOYAL

BRAVE

And GENERALLY WELL MEANING

Now allowing it to be further said, in my estimation the lawmen in question were absolutely derelict in their duty to remain Royal and Loyal, and it’s debatable whether or not they showed true Bravery. They also seemed to fail the Well Meaning  portion of the code, but the qualifier “Generally” forces me to grant them grudging leeway.

3. It has been many years since I was able to complete a horse-purchase without being angrily confronted with the revolutionary anti-throne sentiments of those brokering the horses. Last week’s trip to the stables with several esteemed members of my court was no exception.

The way I see it, with my royal eye, there are two ways a broker can respond when confronted with the opportunity to present a kingly man with a horse-beast-

  1. He can give horse willingly as a gift or tribute to his loving and benevolent would-be ruler
  2. He can decide instead to sell the animal in exchange for money, but should be prepared to suffer the expected physical consequences for his insolence.

This particular foolman chose a non-existent third option. He began shouting in a terribly unbecoming manner as I force fed the horse in question a number of D-sized batteries. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t have to explain  my motives to an ordinary vassal, per the Royal Non-Mandatory Explanation Decree of 1991. Here though, I was attacked with what might as well been a firearm, his words so harsh. Threatened, my courtiers responded with a pre-emptive projectile defense, hurling protective rocks at the stableman and his children until they were bloodied and sufficiently pacified. Thinking quickly and realizing that eventually the presumably still living family would regain consciousness, we fled the scene to ensure they would have enough space and fresh air to revive themselves safely from the mud and rocks.

Shortly thereafter I relocated to Mexico surreptitiously so that I could raise one of my sons in a land free of such hateful bias. One day, I suppose, my wife may come to her senses and try to join me with the rest of the family.

Further Introducing the Lokarto 3220

Announcer: Wouldn’t it be nice to live your life without the fear of government harassment?

Police Officer: Halt, citizen! This is a contraband materials checkpoint!

Man: (Playing coy) Contraband materials?

Officer: Absolutely- weapons, fraudulent documents, drugs and drug burning devices.

Man: Hmm… I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Officer: Say, that’s a nice mummified tiger head you’re wearing around your neck.

Man: Why thank you.

Officer: Have a nice weekend here at the White House.

Announcer: Now this dream, once a fantasy, is now a reality- today. To the uninitiated, the Lokarto 3220 looks like an ordinary mummified tiger head. Those in the know, however, recognize it as the cutting-edge best tool in your arsenal of weapons in the fight against the anti-crime dictatorship.

Dr. Churk Buckles: Hi, I’m Dr. Churk Buckles, founder and CEO of Lokarto Engineering, and I personally guarantee that you will be able to completely convince some people that the Lokarto 3220 is a real, fully functioning mummified tiger head, regardless of whatever nuclear waste, occult totems or gaseous heroin it contains.

Announcer: The Lokarto 3220, the Future of Tomorrow. Available at K-Mart.

Dr. Churk Buckles: Lokarto Engineering- I named the company after the demon I was friends with in Juvie. (Dr. Buckles laughs with extreme intensity as the advert fades out)

Introducing the Lokarto 3220

Announcer: Introducing the Lokarto 3220, Lokarto Engineering’s newest weapon in the war against fascism. Lokarto Engineering, the most trusted name in contraband logistics, has spent nearly one decade empowering those who despise the law and those who love the law but are sometimes forced by circumstances to break it repeatedly.

Cleverly disguised as a mummified tiger head, the Lokarto 3220 can easily conceal a gun or gun-sized lump of drugs. It’s the quality that counts, and this partial-imitation, ultra-realistic mummified tiger head is handmade and will blow you away- both with its utility clip and with it chemically simulated tiger smell.

Man: I’m very proud of my Lokarto 2610, it’s definitely the nicest thing I own. I guess you could say I’m totally looking forward to the 3220. I can’t wait to get to work smuggling the severed penises of ex-presidents in it.

Announcer: Lokarto Engineering salutes the flag unless that flag is tainted and corrupted, which is sadly often the case. That’s where the new 3220 can take up the fight with you. Just ask Lokarto founder and CEO Dr. Churk Buckles:

Dr. Churk Buckles: The only better way to disguise your trafficables as a mummified tiger head is to feed them to a tiger, cut off its head and mummify it. For legal reasons, we can’t get into specifics, but let’s put it this way- we’re halfway to doing that already at this point. You won’t find a better device.

Announcer: The brand-new for 1999 Lokarto 3220. It’s not a smuggling aid- it’s a revolution.