i feel like you’re much less likely to get shot in the face if the gangbangers you’re policing are wearing mukluks. i don’t know how you can really argue the contrary. their disputes will have something to do with ancient tribal rivalry and their colors will be worn in intricately beaded patterns, put in place by loving grandmother hands along the shafts of their moose-hide boots. i heard a rumor that ikat patterns stand for West Side, and butterflies point to the thugs of the North. be careful, yo.
you never hear about anybody being brutally murdered in the back alleys of towns with names like Nome or Funny River or Sunrise. i might be on the lookout for some strange happenings, however, if you should be stationed in any of the following: Pleasant Valley, Fishhook, Pilot Station, Whale Pass, False Pass, Chicken. this is based on the research of my imagination. i am often correct in my projections.
you might freeze to death, but i heard a rumor that eskimos are super friendly and shit. someone will loan you a parka and let you sleep in their igloo.
why is that racist?
people will be offended if you do not know that the correct plural of walrus is in fact “walri.”
have you ever seen 30 Days of Night? that probably won’t happen. probably.
if you do get shot in the face, you’ll probably live. it will be with a harpoon or something, and you’ll have that awesome mysterious vibe behind your fox-fur hood. chicks dig it.
you might meet the only gay eskimo, or a penguin, or Mr. Narwhal, and i know zero people who would not be jealous of that.
i hear property is really cheap there. like two cents an acre or something. or at least it was. look into it. buy a house. get wifed up. i bet you’ll have bearskin rugs and that shit is pretty romantic. except for that they still have faces i guess. and you guys can eat lots of herring.
on the weekends when you are not working, you will be dog mushing. (that’s a real thing! i know, right?) you will have a team of beautiful sled dogs. Sarah Palin, the bitchy one at the head of the pack, will pick on the blind one a lot, whose name will be Mr. Peepers. they will make a Lifetime movie about how Mr. Peepers wins the Iditarod in a super-emotional twist of fate. the movie will not be well-written, but who the fuck cares, because THERE IS A LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT YOU.
you can visit the Arctic Circle. it’s the final frontier. it’s only like 80 degrees below, Farenheit. and there will be oil, so much oil! you love oil!
i bet you’ll find some Wooly Mammoth bones, and lots of gold. that’s all they do there.
Fact: you will not get poison ivy. Fact: you will get charged by a moose. Fact: there will be SO many old people on cruise ships.
i bet you’ll get to go on some sort of crazy ass snow-mobile police chase around a volcano, and you might not even get eaten by a bear. at least, not a polar bear, because they’re all dead.
you should totally apply.
Ashley Collier is a writer / jeweler / mermaid who lives in Chicago and hates winter. She co-edits Untoward and blogs at ladybirdluxe.blogspot.com.