Radio Cacophony #10, 30, 75

TEN — We give away four of the promotional festival tickets but keep the other four to split among the staff. We draw names from the hat but once we have four names someone suggests what if these are actually the four people who don’t get the promotional tickets. And since there’s more staff in the room (seven) whose names weren’t drawn from the hat, we outnumber the four people whose names were already drawn and vote that those four people are the first four not to get the tickets. We draw three more names of those who aren’t getting the tickets and the remaining four names get the tickets: Samsonite (Promotions Director), Gus (General Manager), Fun Pauly (Music Director) and Keely (Public Relations Manager). I don’t record the names of the four people getting the tickets in the minutes because I am in that moment told not to, since for all intents and purposes, and if the faculty advisor asks, we gave these promotional festival tickets to the third caller to Kevin-and-Kevin’s morning show.

 

THIRTY — The music on the AM frequency is more enjoyable today than the music on the FM frequency. But the dial in the station’s office is always tuned to the FM frequency, since the AM frequency is more for deejays to practice being deejays. To listen to the music on the AM frequency, we thus must turn off the stereo in the station office entirely, something which is practically unprecedented, and kindly ask the AM deejays if they wouldn’t mind turning their music up a bit. Of course the AM deejays smile as this, since they’re not even real deejays yet at all, only apprentices, and happily turn up the volume in the AM studio. But before too long the FM deejay is out in the hallway, rapping on the window to the AM studio, saying, Hey, turn that down in there! Can’t hear my own thoughts! And the AM deejays are shouting something back to the effect of, The staff asked us to turn it up, doofus! Ask them! And eventually the FM deejay ponders this long enough and comes into the office, all frantic-like, saying, What gives, guys! Did you tell those little tasteless morons to turn up the volume? But we pretend that we don’t hear the frantic nature in the FM deejay’s voice. We only turn up the volume on the stereo, which is now back on, playing the FM frequency, and say, Shhh, this is a great song, right? We just love this song. And the FM deejay stands there for a moment before realizing that it’s his show we’re listening to and says, Yeah? Me too!

 

SEVENTY-FIVE — Do you drink heavily? Tolerate smoked substances? Overcooked omelets? Roommate  obligations that may or may not include hair styling, vomit whitewashing, drilling new holes for screws unleashed during late night activity? Have you ever been victim to a chemical burn? Can your stomach tolerate expired foods such as moldy bread, sour milk, limp celery? Can you add to our sizable record collection or merely duplicate it? Do you own noise-cancellation headgear or know where to acquire such equipment at little to no cost? In four sentences or fewer, describe your quest to revitalize the post-punk movement. In three sentences or fewer, state your reasons for denouncing Bright Eyes, Ani Difranco, new metal, smooth jazz and Sunday school. In two sentences or fewer, bequeath your autographed and rare vinyl LPs to us upon your accidental death and the room is yours.

 

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Michelle Dove is the author of Radio Cacophony, forthcoming from Big Lucks Books. Recent writing appears or will appear in Chicago ReviewDIAGRAM, Alice Blue Review, ILK, and Sixth Finch. She lives in Washington, DC.