This Song Sucks

I was sitting at Jimmy John’s by myself eating a hunter’s club. I was thinking about an idea for a screenplay. It would be for a zombie movie where all the zombies are brought into court for a class action lawsuit, because that’s how it would really happen. Then I thought about my latest idea for an invention: the cock necklace. I figured there are cock rings. Why not a cock necklace?

Then it happened. A song came on the radio at Jimmy John’s. It had melodic synthesizers, a driving beat, and catchy female vocals. After listening to the song for about a minute or two I decided that I liked it. I really liked it. The song reminded me of something Devo would make in their prime. Then the hook came in. “L-U-V Madonna/ Y-O-U You wanna?” I was in shock. Shivers ran all over my body as I realized what this meant. I was listening to the new Madonna song. I liked the new Madonna song. Therefore, I had to suck a dick.

But whose dick should I suck? And how long do I have to suck it? Questions like these ran through my mind as I left Jimmy John’s and headed to the nearest gay bar. I never thought I was gay until I realized that I liked the new Madonna song. I thought about dicks sometimes, but only in relation to my latest invention: the cock necklace. I thought I might have had a crush on a guy friend in high school. But then as is now whenever I thought about even kissing a guy I would wince and think, ‘Ew! Ew! Gross!’ ‘I must have been in denial,’ I thought.

The gay bar was full of gay guys. I was able to force myself to ask to buy some of them drinks. But they all turned me down for one reason or another. It must have been because I was so sweaty from running all the way from Jimmy John’s to the gay bar . Finally a guy named Buck accepted my offer, and we got ourselves a table at the corner of the bar. He was a big guy like me. We made small talk. We talked about sports and movies. Eventually he asked me when I first realized that I was gay. I said, “Ever since this afternoon when I realized that I liked the new Madonna song.

Buck laughed. “I love a guy with a sense of humor,” he said. After some more drinks and chitchat Buck took me back to his place. His apartment was clean and welcoming. It was the opposite of mine.

“Okay,” I said, “I need to suck your dick now.”

“You’re in a hurry,” said Buck.

“I’m just making up for lost time,” I said. Buck said he understood. I got down on my knees and pulled down Buck’s pants and underwear. My whole body was shaking with fear and revulsion. As I looked at Buck’s average dick my feelings of fear and revulsion were replaced by feelings of anger and indignity. Encircled around the base of Buck’s shaft and balls was a string of shiny diamonds. I stood up and looked Buck in the eyes. “Take off your cock necklace,” I said.

“You don’t like it?” asked Buck.

“Like it? I invented it! Take it off now!”

Buck seemed to understand, and he took off his cock necklace. So I knelt back down and started to suck Buck’s dick. I remember thinking, ‘Ew! Gross! This is fucking gross! This is not you!’ After a minute I stopped sucking Buck’s dick and wiped my eyes. I looked at my hand. It was blood red. My eyelids had become little pools of blood, and my tear ducts had become little rivulets of blood. Buck looked down at me sweetly and said, “Maybe we should stop. What with your eyes bleeding and all.”

I could no longer see because of the blood in my eyes. “No, I’m fine,” I said, “Really.” I wondered to myself whether all gay guys experience bleeding from the eyes their first time. And then I got my period. Liking the new Madonna song caused me to start to get my period. But that’s a whole other story.


Dan Shapiro is a writer/comedian from Wichita, KS. He currently lives in Chicago. He is actually a very nice guy by all accounts. Sometimes he does stand up at open mics. He is a regular at Ray’s Tap and Piss Fanatics reading series. He’s sorry if this story offended you.