T-Bone Stinkerz ®

Announcer: Tired of having to defend your steak from hungry coworkers?

Man: I know I work with you, but I’m still going to bite you until you give me some steak.

Announcer: Weary of having family members steal bits of your chop when you skip out to defend the house from terrorists?

Son (gunfire raging outside, arabic-style screaming): I’m going to cut off a nubbin of this steak before dad gets back!

Announcer: Well, then you need new T-Bone Stinkerz ®!

(A anthropomorphic t-bone steak smiles. Green, wavy stink lines radiate in all directions as it flexes its biceps and raises its hand to give the peace sign)

Announcer: T-Bone Stinkerz ® are the new, best defense against food thieves. Simply push the specially designed pellet deep into your cut of beef. The Stinkerz will take care of the rest! A powerful stench, rancid and stomach churning, will be enough to keep even the hungriest off-duty police officer away from your meal.

Man (ostensibly an off-duty cop): *vomiting*

Announcer: And because they’re made with real excrement, you know it works!

WARNING: WILL NOT WORK ON DOGS OR CATS

Announcer: What’s more, T-Bone Stinkerz ® work great with other meats, too! Try it with Fish…

(shot of man vomiting)

Announcer: Chicken…

(shot of man vomiting)

Announcer: Pork…

(shot of man vomiting)

Announcer: or rabbit!

(shot of man laying face down, motionless and seemingly lifeless, in a pool of vomit)

Announcer: Now you’re free to ENJOY your hasenpfeffer, safe from eager hands!

Joey Lawrence: Isn’t it time you were able to sleep soundly, knowing your steak in the next room wasn’t being licked by your new neighbors? Try T-Bone Stinkerz ®!

WARNING: WILL ACTUALLY MAKE ITEMS MORE DESIRABLE TO DOGS OR CATS

————————

Jamie Ferguson is an American folk hero, notable for having raced against a steam powered hammer and won, only to die in victory with his hammer in his hand. He has been the subject of numerous songs, stories, plays, and novels. He has a 20 pound hammer that he thinks is light. He is 6 feet tall, and weighs about 200 pounds. Read more randomness of his on his Twitter account, THE_REAL_JAMIE.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.